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Fun Dog Jokes

Dogs can make you laugh or they will let you cry on their shoulder.  Working in rescue gives you reason for both.  If people in rescue only thought about all the terrible things they must deal with, they would be forever down.  However, it's the laughter that gives them the strength to go on.  Laughter when a beloved dog pulls a funny, and they have a knack for doing just that.  Laughter when a dog gets a forever home.  Laughter when you watch a dog, who was afraid to play, now playing happily.  Watching a dog run to great you who was previously afraid of any human.  Below is fun jokes about our furry friends.  We believe in laughter.  We believe it is good medicine.  So we thought we would share some with you.  Enjoy and go hug your furface for being the wonderful, funny friends they are.

 

Enter & Seek

Dog Owners Fitness Program

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Free Baby To a Good Home

Woman's Best Friend

The Diagnosis

What Kind of Dog is This?

Dog Property Laws

Dog's Duty

Tough Dog?

How to Photograph Your Puppy

Liver & Cheese

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

Dog Rules

Dog Myths

One Liners

Dog's Letters to God

 

Enter & Seek
From Reader's Digest:

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out.  My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's office."

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Dog Owners Fitness Program

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!!  The following exercises can (and will) be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination: Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.  Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty.  Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're outside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinshcer: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the bulbs in a circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Beagle: Wait, sniff, sniff, let me find it, sniff, sniff

Pomeranian:  Dogs do not change light bulbs, people change light bulbs. So the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?

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Free Baby To a Good Home

We just got a new puppy so the baby has to go. Two year old female, answers to the name, Chelsea. She is good around kids, doesn't cry too much, mostly potty-trained & weaned. She has all of her shots and is free to a good home.

Believe me, we hate to just dump her off, but we are afraid she might hurt the new pup, and we couldn't let that happen. What if the baby smothered the pup trying to stay warm? Worse, licking milk out of the pup's mouth? We really cannot take that chance. I know it is an old wives tale about a baby stealing the puppy's breath, but the whole idea is really spooky. A puppy could catch a disease from a baby! I mean, without that diaper, they tend to poop anywhere they want to. That is so unsanitary! What if the puppy got salmonella from the baby?

What really worries me is when babies get older, they tend to go out and start "hounddogging" around.  Unless you lock them up they try to have sex with the neighbor kid or worse, they get knocked up themselves! Then you have another litter to tend with. You can't even get them fixed like you can a dog. This is another reason we don't feel up to the ownership issues.

So I am trying to find a good home. I hate to take her to a shelter, but a parent has to do what a parent has to do. When I think of all of the strays on the streets, well, it makes me really sad. When I think of how many of these kids end up being mass murderers or worse, dog killers, I almost want to throw up. So if you are interested and you think you can be a good owner, please drop me a line. Hurry, we only have one left!

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Woman's Best Friend

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog. 

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand... If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...

Get a CAT!

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The Diagnosis

 

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$550."

$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

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What Kind of Dog is This?

A little boy is walking his ugly yellow dog down the street. A man walking a gigantic Rottweiler comes toward him. As they get closer together, the Rottweiler starts bristling and growling and showing his teeth. The little dog doesn't react. The man says to the boy, "You better watch your dog or mine will have him for lunch." The boy replies, "I'm not worried, my dog can take care of himself." The man laughs. "How can that puny, ugly little mutt fight off my big dog?" The boy just watches as the Rottweiler goes after the mutt and gets bitten so badly it almost dies. "What kind of a dog is that?" the man asks. "Well," the boy replies, "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

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Dog Property Laws

§           If I like it, it's mine.
§           If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
§           If I can take it from you, it's mine.
§           If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
§           If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
§           If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
§           If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
§           If I saw it first, it's mine.
§           If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
§           If it's broken, it's yours.

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Dog's Duty  

 

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

 "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, he's just for good luck.

 A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog's she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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 Tough Dog?  

 

A little boy is walking his ugly yellow dog down the street. A man walking a gigantic Rottweiler comes toward him. As they get closer together, the Rottweiler starts bristling and growling and showing his teeth. The little dog doesn't react. The man says to the boy, "You better watch your dog or mine will have him for lunch." The boy replies, "I'm not worried, my dog can take care of himself." The man laughs. "How can that puny, ugly little mutt fight off my big dog?" The boy just watches as the Rottweiler goes after the mutt and gets bitten so badly it almost dies. "What kind of a dog is that?" the man asks. "Well," the boy replies, "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

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How to Photograph Your Puppy  

 

 Remove film from box and load camera.
 Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
 Choose a suitable background for photo.
 Mount camera on tripod and focus.
 Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.  the three male dogs fall over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.  aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.  "That shows no intelligence whatsoever."

"She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um.  I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle.  "I guess it's hopeless.  That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."  She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.  He gives her a smile, and with a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

 

(READY?)

 

 

"Liver alone; cheese mine."

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Walking In A Doggie Wonderland!

Dogs tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening,
It's yellow, not white,
I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland!

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants,
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY property!
Marking up my winter wonderland!"

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine, all mine!

Straight from me to the fence post
Flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland!"

Dee Fleetwood
ICQ 58538087
dee.fleetwood@briesrottweilers.com

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Dog Rules

 

      1.        The dog is not allowed in the house.
2.        Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3.        The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4.        The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5.        Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6.        Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7.        The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8.        The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9.        The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10.         Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers  with the dog.

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Dog's Letters to God

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!  I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at
the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl.  Have you noticed my own blessing?

Dear God,
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

Dear God,
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does Petsmart sell lie detectors?

From Pets' letters to God, Mark Bricklin translator

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